a big life update...

so i've been looking for a church since august... i've decided that it's one of my least favorite things to do... at first, i was totally excited... i'd get a chance to visit a lot of different types of churches and could have a bit of freedom in where i might go from week to week... after about a month or two, i hated it... i missed having a group of people that knew me, loved me, encouraged and challenged me...

the reason i left the church i was going to is because i felt like God was calling me to be a part of youth ministry and there was "no room in the inn... or the stable..." i could help out with children's or college ministry, but at that point, they didn't really need any help with the youth group... so to be faithful to what i felt like God was calling me to do, i knew i needed to look for a different church...

i visited a lot of different churches... and got really frustrated... i am a seminary student wanting to do volunteer youth ministry... and i hadn't found a place where i fit...

on top of all of that, i am taking a class next semester - ministry practicum - 10 hours of supervised ministry a week... well, in order to do that, i need a place to do ministry. so for the last month, it's gotten worse... feeling like there is no place for me in youth ministry in the area... i've had plenty of "offers" from churches in seattle or in other places in oregon, but my job is in vancouver... my career, at that... plus a free place to live right now...

here's a piece of my heart - this is my dream/vision... (that i feel like God gave me - even though i was starting to give up on it and have big doubts)
i desire to work as a volunteer youth worker - not the youth minister, necessarily, while working a full-time job... in the next five to ten years, i have a dream to start/help out with/watch come into existence - a youth/community/sports outreach - high 5 ministries... with a huge multi-purpose center where youth could do drama, sports, music, art, with video games, ping pong, pool tables, with a computer lab - you name it... all there... and at the same time being very upfront about the gospel... and the whole time this is going on, i'd still be working at my full-time job, volunteering with that same youth group...

so a few weeks ago, this man i know came into my office... i think he's my personal prophet... (that's probably heretical, but it will make sense in a minute) - one thing to understand is that i'm not necessarily friends with this man - he's the metro bcm director in the area and i know him, have had discussions with him (thought about being on the bcm team this year, but God had other plans) - but usually when we see each other, it's a mere, "hi-how-are-you-doing-fine-thanks" kind of dialog... anyway - he walks into my office and says, "robyn, where are you going to church?" it caught me a bit off guard, so i just said, "yes..." - i do that a lot, when people ask me a question that i either a) don't have an answer for, b) don't like the answer for or c) it's a either or question and i like both answers and can't decide between the two... there are probably other instances...

anyway - i say, "yes..." - and go on to say i'm going to different churches and still searching for one... and he asks me if i know this man that i've met a time or two and then tells me to call him... so he gives me the number, i call him up... and well, it was kind of an answer to prayer on both sides... and when i say kind of, i mean really...

his (and his wife, and their church's) heart is for ministry, missions... they want to have a sports clinic (outreach) this summer - and want to start taking international mission trips... they're community based and are needing someone to work with the youth... right now, there are 3 girls on a regular basis, but they've had up to 10 on a sunday morning... but the church is only 2 months old... i went to lunch with rob and lori last week and it was incredible... it was just really refreshing - because our ideas are a lot the same...

and there's a big young life program at the middle school... one of the couples that helps lead young life goes to their church and their heart is for outreach, and mine (with the youth group at church) is more about discipleship... i'm all about outreach, but at church, discipleship is way important to me...

so i went to church there on sunday - taught the youth class... met heidi and kevin (the young life folks)... and had an incredible time... rob came by and saw me at work on monday - i thought things went well on sunday, but it's kind of hard to read youth reactions - especially since i had just met them... but his daughter is one of the youth - and she went home on sunday and asked rob if i was going to come back and said that she really wanted me to...

so i think i'm a youth minister now... i can do my supervised ministry there - rob has the qualifications that are needed in a supervisor for me - and i pretty much have my support group in place (something else i need for that class) - and with that class in place - and the class i'm taking in san francisco in a couple of weeks - and two other classes next semester, i'll graduate with my master's degree of arts in theological studies... so yea!!

i will stay living where i am for right now - the church is about 20 minutes away, which is not a big deal, but when i move, which will be fairly soon, i'll move more north to be closer... i'm going to be involved with as much young life stuff as i can and then i'll teach on sunday mornings each week, if i'm not out of town... and i'll help coordinate youth events - and probably get to go on at least one trip this summer... :) - i love youth camps and youth mission trips...

oh - the church is tri-mountain community church in ridgefield, washington... and it meets in a pizza parlor (and the youth meet in the coffee shop in the same shopping center)...

i think i've covered everything about it... i'm totally excited about what God is going to do with it...

but for now, i'm getting out of my office... i don't have to be back until monday... yippee!!!

new year's day...

new years is my least favorite holiday... i like the idea of it... getting to start over... new beginnings... but i never really like the celebration part of it... i was thinking about it today and thinking about the last several new year's eve events... i never really have fun on new year's eve, but when i was a kid, i thought it was going to be the greatest thing when i got older... one huge party... well, it hasn't proven to be that way in my life...

it all went downhill in 1998... i threw a new year's eve party at my dad's house... my senior year of high school... i invited a lot of my friends and we were going to play games and watch movies - i bought a ton of food to make snacks... everything was a disaster... the food was all bad - i bought generic brands of velveeta and rotel - life lesson learned... sometimes one of them will be okay generic, but both combined is not a good choice!!! i burned the cake, my friend marie got so mad at me (weird story involving a german exchange student... :) - i love you marie!) and it really just wasn't any fun - for anyone, i don't think...

1999 - honestly i can't remember what i did for new years... i'm thinking was hanging out with friends - but i can't remember at all...

2000 - the big one, right? courtney - a friend from college and i hung out at my apartment - pulled out the hide-a-bed on the sofa and watched sister act followed by sister act 2... i have no idea... at about 12:15, we realized what time it was, opened the front door, realized the world hadn't come to an end, shut the door and finished sister act 2.

2001 - was in texas at marie and jon's house... the only time i've ever been dating someone at new years - realized he was a jerk that night - we broke up two days later...

2002 - i went to dallas (back to back texas new year's... hmmm...) for a bowl game (cotton bowl?) - well, i didn't really go to the game - i went because my friends had tickets, so those of us that decided to go on the trip without the game - we hung out at the mall, but for new year's eve we ended up at a bowling alley where they offered everyone over 21 free champagne... we kind of had fun, but it's not my favorite memory - and then the next couple of days were horrible and i got into a huge fight with some of my closest friends - i don't think i've ever gotten so mad... whoa...

2003 - i was in china and we went to a chinese outdoor school party... crazy - fireworks right over my head... it was kind of more like a talent show with fireworks and people just standing around... and then we went back to one of my teammate's apartment and watched movies but fell asleep...

2004 - i went to a party at nicky's house - nicky was my sunday school teacher (kind of) when i moved to vancouver - and she has a son in college and a son in high school... the crowd was a lot of college students who were a lot younger than me - random people... i think we left early... or right after 12... it felt a lot like jr. high...

2005 - no idea what's in store... i may try to talk my friend jeff into having a movie marathon with me - but he has to leave early for california the next day... so he may say no... i got invited to a party, but i have a bad attitude going into new year's already and i don't know the people all that well... i just don't think i'm going to have fun... at least, hanging out with jeff, i know it'll be normal... and at least i'll feel like myself...

blah... i think i'm going to post a different entry - but i felt like giving my recent new years history - just in case i make a reference to new years in the next few posts...

hope your new year's celebration is fun and not stupid.

BORED!!!

so it seems like everyone in my office is gone... there are about 40 people that work where i work and today i've seen 6 other people - total... and only one works in my part of the office and he came in really late and has tons of stuff to do... i, on the other hand, have nothing to do...

one of the secretaries came back and i said something about not really having anything to do, and she suggested that i read a computer book... no thanks... i've kind of been playing with some old graphics - but most of the stuff is on hold for me - i'm waiting to hear back from someone about changes or the people that i need to approve designs by aren't in the office...

and the ultimate source of frustration is that in about a week, i have to start the design of a 250-page book... The 2004 annual of the Northwest Baptist Convention... but today, i don't have any of the information for it... (the lady who does is on vacation this week) and i can't find out where the stuff is saved from last year... so, i know this huge project is lurking around the corner, but i can't do anything about it today... i've looked through the book and looked through files on the computer... but i don't have any of the info for this year's book...

my j-term class "starts" today, and i'm supposed to go into the class to get information for the week, but the class isn't open on the website yet, so i can't even do that...

i don't know... it makes me feel tired...

random movie quote of the day - 500 points:

i once thought i had mono for an entire year... it turned out i was just really bored.

but it's lunch time... so i get a good hour to not have to find other random things to do to look busy...

boxing day...

wow... christmas came and went... i'm exhausted... but instead of starting my nap right now, i'm taking a moment to write a few things...

my mom and brother left last week... it was a good visit... probably a bit of culture shock for them on some levels... life should have returned to "normal" after they left - but christmas set in...

christmas was great... i spent christmas eve/day with the family i've been living with for several months... and it was fun... which is normal - i usually have fun with the family... they all really loved their gifts (re: old blog entry) - and i walked away from the experience with a new appreciation for family, the holidays and well, Jesus.

the dad asked, as we were about to pray before dinner, if anyone would rather have all that they got that day instead of Jesus... of course, we all said no... there is nothing greater than our relationships with Jesus... but to make that declaration is different than just thinking or knowing it...

so last night as i was driving back to the house where i've been housesitting, i pulled out my james taylor christmas cd - and there's a song on it that i've never really listened to before... i know it's old - but it totally has new meaning for me this year...

In the Bleak Midwinter

In the bleak midwinter,
frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron,
water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow,
snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter, long ago.

Our God, heaven cannot hold Him,
nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away
when He comes to reign.
In the bleak midwinter
a stable place sufficed
The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

Angels and archangels
may have gathered there,
Cherubim and seraphim
thronged the air;
But His mother only,
in her maiden bliss,
Worshipped the beloved with a kiss.

What can I give Him,
poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd,
I would bring a lamb;
If I were a Wise Man,
I would do my part;
Yet what I can give Him: give my heart.

so as i'm looking to the new year, as many are, i am trying to figure out how to fully give my heart every day to the only one who is worthy... and as i journey this year, i pray that i begin to live the life of the beloved and fully embrace each day with new hope because of God's faithfulness... i'm sure to fail often, if not every day... but there's this great line in a switchfoot song, "maybe redemption has stories to tell... maybe forgiveness is right where you fell."

as i journey this year, and make mistakes and have successes, i pray that my entire focus is on my Abba... one more song (today it's songs and not movies...)

Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on.

Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Let me be to you a sacrifice.

And I will praise you Lord
And I will sing of love come down
And as you show your face
We'll see your glory here.

family time...

so today my mom and brother got here... they flew many hours across many miles to come visit me before christmas... my life has been kind of (and when i say kind of, i mean really) busy lately with the end of school and the paper going to press on friday... but it's so good to have family here... surreal but nice... (movie quote - 500 points)

after i picked up my mom and brother from the airport, i took them to the hotel and then i had to go back to work. after work, i came back and picked them up and we went out driving around... i took them to see different random things around town... you know... "that" tour... "that is where i used to work... that is my favorite target... oh... there's a starbucks... oh... there's another starbucks... oh... and there's the 24-hour starbucks..." the exciting world of vancouver, wa!

we were going to go to this deli i've been wanting to try out, but it was closed, so we landed at red robin... my favorite...

so we're sitting there... we've finished eating... and all of a sudden i find myself singing to the annoying christmas music... mariah carey singing, "all i want for christmas is you..." sad... i know... but i'm in my own little world singing the words with specific facial expressions, and i glance over, and my brother, in his own little world is singing the words with the same facial expressions... and i thought, "yes... he is my brother..."

and i find comfort in that... i love that a movie quote popped in my head, i blurt it out and he goes crazy because he KNOWS he knows it... and once he figures it out, he feels satisfaction... (yes, i'll post the quote for points at the bottom... just remind me...) i love that his phone rings the theme song for diff'rent strokes and we both know every word... this past weekend i called my brother's cell phone (i just realized today he has cingular and i have at&t and now that they've merged, we can talk all the time... even in the middle of the day for free - unlimited mobile to mobile minutes, baby!) anyway... back to the story... i call his phone on sunday and one of his friends answers and starts harassing me... and i ended up talking to him and then one of his other friends... when they handed the phone to my brother, they said, "she's definitely your sister!" - how cool is that...

or maybe scary...

regardless... i'm really looking forward to hanging out with my mom and brother the next few days... time is precious... they leave to go back to arkansas on tuesday... so i'm going to try and make the absolute most of their trip... my life is not that exciting... so i'm trying to be cool and not boring for them!

but right now i should totally get some sleep... i'm exhausted and the alarm is going to go off pretty early in the morning... followed by a long day of work...

but here's the quote as promised...

"i'm not a police man, i'm a princess."

500 points... even though, since my brother already got it, he technically gets the points... but he never reads my blog (jerk), so he wouldn't get them here... so they're up for grabs!!! and also the 500 from the quote earlier in the post...

and now... well, i'm going to bedfordshire... (and yet, another quote... 500 more points...)

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead...

i heard this line this morning... i've heard the song at least a dozen times, if not a hundred... but i heard the line today... (switchfoot: this is your life)

yes, the after-effects of yesterday may stick with me for a little while... maybe forever... but ultimately, it's over - it's gone... so what do i do with today? how should i live today? what should my relationships look like? how can i change my life today? (and not wait until tomorrow)

yes, i'm hearing a movie quote in my head... the voices...

"They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."

i must choose to seize every moment for more than it's worth... i am so reminded of cynthia who used to say to us, "embrace" - i feel like i should be death-gripping every second of life and not letting it pass by without me draining it of it's energy, juice, LIFE... am i doing that? is anyone doing that? how do we do that?

more randomness of the day:

*****

Hey, Hey
Did you ever thinkThere might be another way
To just feel better,Just feel better about today
Oh no-If you never want to have
To turn and go awayYou might feel better,
Might feel better if you stay

Pre-chorus
Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in?

Chorus
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...

Hey hey-
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining- just for shining
O'er the sea?
Oh no- take it all in
The world's a show
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow

Pre-chorus/chorus

Hey hey- what ya say
We both go and seize the day
'cause what's your hurry
what's your hurry anyway

Pre-chorus/chorus

*****

i'm sure there are a million songs, movies, books, you name it on this subject... i don't know why i choose the things i do - switchfoot, dead poets society and sister hazel... what are you gonna do? (i don't know... what are you gonna do?)

so i haven't got it all figured out - but for now, rather than sitting in front of this computer any longer, i'm going to go home... live a little before today becomes tomorrow's wrinkle on my forehead...

"this is your life... are you who you want to be, is it everything you've dreamed it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose... don't close your eyes..."

how does that make you feel?

Tonight i'm struggling... and since i have this great power to send things out into the great void, i'm choosing to do so... i feel the need to vent but don't want to bother anyone around me, as most of the people around me are probably as stressed as i am...

***DISCLAIMER***

what follows could conceivably be perceived as whining... if you don't want to read it, don't... but don't say i didn't warn you when you've finished it and you're bitter at me for making you suffer through it with me... but tonight, i need to get a few things off my chest... and if you're willing... if you want to walk this journey with me... feel free to enter my thoughts - and find out how it makes me feel... whatever "it" is...

***END OF DISCLAIMER***

here's what's going on the school-front... it's crunch time... i found out today that one of the papers that i thought was due next week is actually due tomorrow... good times... so here's what i have left to do...
Pastoral Counseling
Group project - due next week (12/13) - have my partner and i started? heck no... but it's due next week - low priority
Completed Workbook - also due next week - started? yes - half-way done, but it takes a long time!
Final - take home - paper - 10-12 pages - due next week... started? no...
Ministry Leadership
Leader Interview - due - a long time ago... started? no... will try to finish by thursday
Book Review - due - last week - started? sort of - will try to finish by friday
Leadership "thoughts" - in lieu of a final - due next week - 5 pages - started? no... ideas? yes
Preaching
Book Review - due - a long time ago... started? no... will try to finish by saturday
filing system - due - next week... started? yes - file folders made - just need to stuff them with info
class insights - due - next week - started? no...
Christian History
Final - take by tomorrow - finished? no... started studying? no... scared to death of not passing the class? yes...
Theology -
final project - due last week... started? yes... (short amounts to go) will finish tomorrow... personal credo - 10-12 pages... started? no... due... tomorrow... will get it done tomorrow
final - take by tomorrow - finished? no... started studying? no...

whew... tired just typing it... i understand that this is mostly my fault - the procrastination... the madness... i can offer no excuses because excuses, in general, suck...

at the same time... i'm not motivated to get it done... i'm so ready for it to be over, but i am having a hard time getting started on so much of it... and i constantly think - if i can just get through tomorrow, i'll be okay! i just want to get through the next 8 days!!!

at the same time, i want to enjoy the last few days of school... i so treasure time spent with classmates in this building... i love the conversations - the deep sharing that can take place... i hate it when no one is here and i don't want the semester to end! (for the social stuff)

okay - the final word on school is that i'm tired - i'm feeling vulnerable because there is so much on the line and i'm worried about getting it all done... yet i feel the need to vent, thus, creating my "time" to blog right this second... i need to not be thinking and "doing" school for a little bit...

on the personal-front... i'm lonely... i live in a house with 8 people - and a million animals... if there is anyone who shouldn't feel lonely, it's me... i love being at home and being around the family... they bring incredible joy into my life and for that i'm extremely thankful... so why do i feel alone? i want to experience the rest that comes from being with someone - that presence of someone who i can be "me" around and feel comfortable and safe and loved... yes, i should and do feel that in my Daddy... i desire to feel that with a human being... a partner, a companion... the closeness and intimacy of a best friend mixed with the struggles and hurt associated with being vulnerable along with the crazy quirks that a personality brings rolled into a package of someone who is a perfect fit. don't get me wrong - i'm not looking for mr. perfect... i'm not looking for the perfect man... i'm not looking at all, if you want to get technical about it... but i'm waiting, dreaming, hoping of the perfect fit... the right complement to me... as screwed up and weird as i am... (yes, m.a., i'm a weird, weird child!) and i'm waiting to be presented to him... which is another long story that i won't go into today...

here's what i hate - the stupid christian stigma that says that i'm not "okay" because i'm not married... christian single women must be one of 4 things... (and let me say - 2ND DISCLAIMER - i don't know really anyone who fits into these categories - it's mostly my rantings and ravings - about how i feel single christian girls are stereotyped - and probably in my own mind... and maybe how i feel i've been stereotyped... my aim is not to offend... it's mostly my frustrations...)

1) sinful and not in a right relationship with God, because EVERYONE knows that once one is satisfied in God alone, He brings his/her mate IMMEDIATELY...
2) called to the foreign mission field, ready to sacrifice having a husband... she's so spiritual she doesn't even desire a husband...
3) "that girl" - that weird-psycho-overly-clingy-girl-who-probably-went-to-bible-college-and-everyone-knows-why-she's-single-by-looking-at-her...
4) a femi-nazi

there are probably more, but those are the ones coming to my mind... i especially hate #1... that is exactly how i feel... and no... i don't want some married woman telling me she knows how hard it is to be single... she is on the other end of things... you haven't been me and you don't know how it feels to be me... (i'm such a whiney-butt...) i just hate that advice... "as soon as you're content in the Lord, He'll give you a mate..." no one ever promised that... that is not a biblical command... and i know PLENTY of content-in-Jesus women who aren't married yet - and it's not because they don't desire to be!!! (i'm getting really fired up and i'm typing really hard, probably making the other people in the computer lab wonder what the heck is going on!!!)

on the other side... i'm so excited about my job - about stuff going on in my life... i'm not sitting around completely unhappy because God hasn't brought my husband... i just felt this way today, specifically, out of nowhere because that happens... it's not a constant state of being!!!

on the seasonal-front... the stupid holiday season doesn't help much with the previous discussion... the holidays scream, "YOU NEED SOMEONE TO BE OKAY!!!" the holidays are meant to share and if you're alone, well, "i guess you'll have to deal with it, won't you?"

maybe it's the weather... isn't a lot better to cuddle up with someone on a cold night than to add another blanket in your lonely bed?

to sum it up, i want someone to take a nap with... to rest... to be... there's a great episode of friends where joey and ross take a nap together and wake up feeling refreshed... the best nap they ever got... while i'm not going to go out and ask people to take a nap with me... that's just what i desire... and preferrably that would be with someone who i want to share my life with (and preferrably male)...

on the friend-front... i have a really good friend who is moving away in a few days... and when i say moving... it's not down the street or to the next town... she's freaking moving across the country to pittsburgh... what the crap? and while i'm TOTALLY excited for what our Daddy has in store for her, i hate that she's moving... she's a normal friend at school who i feel is a kindred spirit - who i can share my guts with and she not only listens, she feels it... she is present with me when i'm sharing my guts and i just know it's not going to be the same over the phone a million miles away - i know what distance generally does to friendships... and i HATE it...

i have another friend who already lives a couple of hours away - but she is moving to the other side of washington, maybe... it would be such a great experience for her, and i'm so thrilled... at the same time... i feel sad, because i know it will weaken our friendship even more... it's already a bit of a stretch because she doesn't live in the same town... but she's another kindred spirit...

so here i am, pouting... whiney... i'm getting left behind... this is where my Daddy has me, but i don't want to feel left behind... i don't want things to change...

and here's another thing i realized today... i feel like my life has mostly been made up of changed mixed with brief seasons of the ordinary, here and there... i'm so tired of change... of having to make new friends (and keep the old... one is silver and the other's gold) and either having the friends i've made leave or me leave them behind... how many friendships have been lost in the shuffle?? i know this is part of life, but i don't have to like it...

amy brought this up... about "lifers" a post she wrote called, "we're all outsiders"... who are my lifers... my friend moving to pittsburgh - i would have thought her to be a lifer... not that she's abandoned me, but i know things change with distance... and she'll be getting married in the next year and that changes things even more... i heard a sermon one time that we have 5 people we can count on - 5 "lifers" if you will - not family - who would drop everything if you asked them to come... i thought, "surely there are more than 5" - but i think there are just 5... who are they???

anyway - i think i'm just rambling at this point... there's tons more i can say, but i'm going to call it a night... if you've journeyed with me through this... thank you... i truly appreciate it!!!